On me wearing more makeup than usual

"You look different today."
"Because I'm wearing makeup?  Or my hair is flatter?"
*silence, long pause, suspicious staring*
"What's your middle name?"
"Erin... Wait, what??  Do you think I'm someone else?"
"Well, you look different.  Maybe you're here so Kimber can go party.  Hashtag partywife."
"So you think I'm just some backburner Kimberly?"
"The pork chops you made were really good..."
"Your wife doesn't make good pork chops??"
"My wife's pork chops aren't THAT good."
"But wouldn't you be happy to know there were a bunch of Kimbers out there?"
"It's like the woman who woke up with a cute animal sleeping on her chest... it would just be nice to know in advance."

On pedicures

"They want to go do mani-pedis, but I don't like other people doing my nails."
"Then I'll do the pedicure for you!"
"Ugh, there would be nail polish everywhere!"
"Whatever, just keep your socks on."

On the human subconscious

"I took my shirt off in my sleep last night."
"I know!  I woke up and I was like WOW!!  ...Do it again."
"Well, it wasn't me, it was my subconscious."
(whispering) "Take off your shirt... take off your shirt..."
"I'm still conscious..."
(whispering more softly) "take off your shirt... take off your shirt..."
"I can hear you."
"KIMBER!  SHHH!!!"