On basketball injuries

(He comes home very sore after a basketball game.)
"Did you stretch before and after??"
"... ... I stretched... differently..."

On marriage

"I'm so lucky you married me!"
"I wouldn't call it luck, baby."
"Then I tricked you!"
"You didn't trick me..."
"Those are the only things in life.  Luck and trickery!"

On what to watch on Netflix

"Do you want to watch Starface?"
"What?  Do you mean Stardust?"
"No... Starface.  You know, Veronica..."
"Veronica Mars?"
"No... with the thing..." (*makes sad running motions with arms*)
"You mean Jessica Jones?"
"Yes!"

On Black Friday shopping

"Can we get a Roomba?"
"What?  No, baby.  We already have a Roomba and we don't use it."
"But we can get a second one and make them fight!"

Status change

The boyfriend is now the husband!

On chocolate milk

"I wish we had chocolate milk."
"I do too. But you see, chocolate milk is a thing that doesn't really exist."

On laughter

"I like trying new laughs. Sometimes when I'm at work I go into the corner and practice laughing."

On flannel sheets

"Flannel sheets for women?... Yeah... Bitches love the flannel!"

On his trip to the dollar store

"How was the dollar store?"
"Good!  I made a friend."
"What?  Who?"
"Chip Tannahill.  He has three fingers."

On LED vs incandescent lights

(Sung to the tune of TLC's "Waterfalls")
"Don't go killing polar bears
For sewing room electricity
You know you gotta stick to the LEDs that you're used to
'Cause the bears are going too fast"

On spooning

"Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?"
"I'm going to be the back spoon!  A soup spoon!"

On a snowman

Sung: "Sam, Sam, the snowman, he's everyone's favourite winter friend.
Sam, Sam, the snowman, you appeared and made us happy.
Sam, Sam, the snowman, he likes to watch you through your window.
Sam, Sam, the snowman, you were beheaded and then someone peed on you..."

On Ariana Grande

"This sounds a lot like Towel Hair."
"What?"
"Towel Hair.  Towel Her."

On getting ready for bed

" *loud pterodactyl cry* "
"Does that mean you want to go to bed, but do you don't want to actually get ready for bed?"
"...Yes."

On "America's Test Kitchen"

The chef is adding buttermilk powder to a recipe to solve a problem.
"Aaah!  Buttermilk powder!  She's crafty.  ........I don't trust her."