On an affectionate hug

"How can I crush you into something smaller?"
(He wanted to put me in his pocket.)

On a new diet

"You should eat as much as you sleep.  Hours-wise."

On being fussy

"Oh, I forgot to have a cookie!  I was too busy pouting."

On time travel

"What do you think nine-years-ago-Jon would do if you told him where we were now?"
"Oh God.  He'd be so nervous that he'd mess it up!  He'd have to do everything exactly the same... oh he'd be so anxious... I'm anxious just thinking about it!"
"Well, time travel doesn't exist, so you are just fine!"
"Thank goodness. .......... But I know how to time travel."

On skydive simulations

"Do you remember when we did that skydive simulator?"
"Oh yeah!  Your back arched like a banana!  I remember when you were a banana... Actually, no, you were more than a banana.  Bananas envy your curves!"

On dinner tonight

"I don't know what I made but it's probably something."

On my deepest thoughts

"What's it like to be you?"
"Oh... okay, well - (*gives thoughtful, meaningful response*) - and what about you??"
"Oh, I don't want to answer.  I just wanted to hear you talk.  I like you."

On a larger-than-expected breakfast

"Do you remember that time you made me a three-egg omelette without telling me?  I was sweating, and stressing over why I couldn't finish it... I wondered what was wrong with me."
"Well you didn't have to finish it!"
"Yes I did. ... That's the worst thing you've ever done."

On the word "juxtapose"

"They were juxtapositioning-"

"It's 'juxtapose'."

"What?"

"The verb is 'juxtapose'; the noun is 'juxtaposition'."

"Not 'juxtapositioning'?"

"Nope."

"Not... 'juxtayshing'?"

"No."

"Not, 'Juxtin Trudeau'?"

"..........no."

On my vision

*before bed, in the dark*
" *click click click* "
"What are you doing?"
"You're so blind that I'm going to start giving you auditory clues to get to bed... *click click click* It's echolocation! ... *click click click* "
"You're echolocating for me?"
" *click click click* ... Yes, reserve echolocating! ... You found me!"

On pilates

"I think you like pilates because you think it's 'parties'.  But it's pronounced 'pi-lah-tees', not 'peer-arrr-tees'!"

On falling asleep

"Hrrrmpphh... hrrrrrrmmphhhh..."
"You're fine."
"What?"
"You were growling!"
"Oh, sometimes I get like that in the dark."

On a presentation

"My presentation tomorrow is being filmed- it'll be preserved forever!"
"You should wear your "f*ck" socks."
"YEAH!  On my hands.  I'll be like (*opens arms to the sides*) 'DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?!'  BAM! stockemed!"

On Australia

"Why do you want to go to Australia?  They have like, 17/20 of the world's most dangerous animals!  You're worried about Zika?  Australia is where they... bred the dinosaurs... and danger.  'Australia' is the indigenous word for danger!!"

On hand tattoos

"I can't imagine loving anything enough to get it tattooed on my hand.  Well, I guess I could get your face on my hand.  I could make you smile and dance and wink.  At meetings I could be like, 'What's that, Kimber?  My wife thinks your idea is horseshit.  Talk to the hand!'  "

On playing the ukulele

*picks up ukulele*
*puts one finger on one string*
"Uuhh ow!"
*puts down ukulele*

On an old acquaintaince

"She was weird in high school, and now she's vegan, so she really doubled down on that."

On cuddling

(we are watching TV with my head on his shoulder)
"I can hear you making gross mouth noises, but I can't tell what you're doing, and that scares me."
"I'm licking you like a cat!  Giving you little mouth kisses!"

On credit card fraud

"I'm really frustrated.  My credit card got scammed and I have to change all my automatic payments."
"Oh no!  What bills were set up on it?"
"I COULD MAKE A MEATBALL SUB!!"

On Monday drinking

(On a Monday evening at home)
"This was voted the best scotch of 2015.  Do you want to try it?"
"No thanks."
"Do you want to have a whole glass of it?"
"No baby.  I'm okay."
"You can just chug a glass."
"I'm not going to chug a glass of scotch right now."
"Do you have any other ideas?"
"What?  No?"
"No is not an idea!"

On his speed

"I rarely drop things.  It's true.  And when I do drop things, I always catch them.  I don't understand how I'm faster than gravity!"

On great decisions

(non-sarcastically) "Wow, I am so glad I did all those tequila shots!!"

On his nighttime routine

"Why is your sweater wet?"
"I leaned against the bathroom counter... it's always wet after you get ready for bed."
"Oh yeah.  It gets splashy!"
"Why?!"
"...I don't know how to wash my face."

On prom photos

"Hey, here's a picture of me and Mitch at prom!" (10 years ago)
"Oh!  You guys look the same.  Except you.  And... also him."

On "Frozen"

"Who's the one with the hands?  You know, Flashy Flashers?"
".......Elsa..?"
"Yeah, that one."

On me wearing more makeup than usual

"You look different today."
"Because I'm wearing makeup?  Or my hair is flatter?"
*silence, long pause, suspicious staring*
"What's your middle name?"
"Erin... Wait, what??  Do you think I'm someone else?"
"Well, you look different.  Maybe you're here so Kimber can go party.  Hashtag partywife."
"So you think I'm just some backburner Kimberly?"
"The pork chops you made were really good..."
"Your wife doesn't make good pork chops??"
"My wife's pork chops aren't THAT good."
"But wouldn't you be happy to know there were a bunch of Kimbers out there?"
"It's like the woman who woke up with a cute animal sleeping on her chest... it would just be nice to know in advance."

On pedicures

"They want to go do mani-pedis, but I don't like other people doing my nails."
"Then I'll do the pedicure for you!"
"Ugh, there would be nail polish everywhere!"
"Whatever, just keep your socks on."

On the human subconscious

"I took my shirt off in my sleep last night."
"I know!  I woke up and I was like WOW!!  ...Do it again."
"Well, it wasn't me, it was my subconscious."
(whispering) "Take off your shirt... take off your shirt..."
"I'm still conscious..."
(whispering more softly) "take off your shirt... take off your shirt..."
"I can hear you."
"KIMBER!  SHHH!!!"