On a presentation

"My presentation tomorrow is being filmed- it'll be preserved forever!"
"You should wear your "f*ck" socks."
"YEAH!  On my hands.  I'll be like (*opens arms to the sides*) 'DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?!'  BAM! stockemed!"

On Australia

"Why do you want to go to Australia?  They have like, 17/20 of the world's most dangerous animals!  You're worried about Zika?  Australia is where they... bred the dinosaurs... and danger.  'Australia' is the indigenous word for danger!!"

On hand tattoos

"I can't imagine loving anything enough to get it tattooed on my hand.  Well, I guess I could get your face on my hand.  I could make you smile and dance and wink.  At meetings I could be like, 'What's that, Kimber?  My wife thinks your idea is horseshit.  Talk to the hand!'  "

On playing the ukulele

*picks up ukulele*
*puts one finger on one string*
"Uuhh ow!"
*puts down ukulele*