On falling asleep

"Hrrrmpphh... hrrrrrrmmphhhh..."
"You're fine."
"What?"
"You were growling!"
"Oh, sometimes I get like that in the dark."

On a presentation

"My presentation tomorrow is being filmed- it'll be preserved forever!"
"You should wear your "f*ck" socks."
"YEAH!  On my hands.  I'll be like (*opens arms to the sides*) 'DID YOU LEARN NOTHING?!'  BAM! stockemed!"

On Australia

"Why do you want to go to Australia?  They have like, 17/20 of the world's most dangerous animals!  You're worried about Zika?  Australia is where they... bred the dinosaurs... and danger.  'Australia' is the indigenous word for danger!!"

On hand tattoos

"I can't imagine loving anything enough to get it tattooed on my hand.  Well, I guess I could get your face on my hand.  I could make you smile and dance and wink.  At meetings I could be like, 'What's that, Kimber?  My wife thinks your idea is horseshit.  Talk to the hand!'  "

On playing the ukulele

*picks up ukulele*
*puts one finger on one string*
"Uuhh ow!"
*puts down ukulele*

On an old acquaintaince

"She was weird in high school, and now she's vegan, so she really doubled down on that."

On cuddling

(we are watching TV with my head on his shoulder)
"I can hear you making gross mouth noises, but I can't tell what you're doing, and that scares me."
"I'm licking you like a cat!  Giving you little mouth kisses!"