On a new bar

"I think they put ecstasy in the drinks because I love you and it's yellow!"

On finding treasures

"There's lint in my belly button.  ... I got it!"
"Okay?"
"Do you want it?"
"Okay?"
"No, I'm keeping it.  It means something to me now.    ...  I threw it away."

On difficult-to-open plastic packaging

"The only way to open this package is to mutilate your body.  It's kind of like scurvy... no one wants it, but if you go a long time you'll eventually run into it.  ...  This hammer is really top-heavy."

On a new dessert restaurant

"I've been there already.  I've already tried their whole menu.  On Mondays I don't actually go to basketball;  I just get really sweaty eating pies."

On the sink

"Can you turn the light on? ... No, the other light. ... The tap.  ... The hot."

On Movember

"I have a moustache now- I have to play the game of romance."

On the English language

"It's the fourth rule of grammar."
"What are the first three?"
"...don't swear?"