On the human subconscious

"I took my shirt off in my sleep last night."
"I know!  I woke up and I was like WOW!!  ...Do it again."
"Well, it wasn't me, it was my subconscious."
(whispering) "Take off your shirt... take off your shirt..."
"I'm still conscious..."
(whispering more softly) "take off your shirt... take off your shirt..."
"I can hear you."
"KIMBER!  SHHH!!!"

On basketball injuries

(He comes home very sore after a basketball game.)
"Did you stretch before and after??"
"... ... I stretched... differently..."

On marriage

"I'm so lucky you married me!"
"I wouldn't call it luck, baby."
"Then I tricked you!"
"You didn't trick me..."
"Those are the only things in life.  Luck and trickery!"

On what to watch on Netflix

"Do you want to watch Starface?"
"What?  Do you mean Stardust?"
"No... Starface.  You know, Veronica..."
"Veronica Mars?"
"No... with the thing..." (*makes sad running motions with arms*)
"You mean Jessica Jones?"
"Yes!"

On Black Friday shopping

"Can we get a Roomba?"
"What?  No, baby.  We already have a Roomba and we don't use it."
"But we can get a second one and make them fight!"

Status change

The boyfriend is now the husband!

On chocolate milk

"I wish we had chocolate milk."
"I do too. But you see, chocolate milk is a thing that doesn't really exist."