On a new dress

"Are you going to wear a bra with it?  Are you wearing a bra already?  Nope, no, that's a rib."

On a high school crush

"I had a girl try to cast spells on me.  She also offered to bake me a pie."

On his quips

"You had a really good line about Tamagotchi the other day... what was it?"
"You gotta write them down, Kimber!  I only generate new ones!"

On my nighttime eating habits

*coughing*
"Maybe you should stop ingesting so much human hair."
"... what... what are you talking about?!"
"You eat the hair swept off the floor from the hairdresser's!"
"What the HELL are you talking about?!"
"Yeah!  I feed it to you while you're sleeping!  Because you leave your mouth open and I just stuff it in!  It's a good source of protein."

On lists

"To show compassion for other letters, I'm going to start lists later in the alphabet.  Like h) it's a good thing, i) yup it's good, j) it's really good.  I'm an equal alphabetist."

On thirst

*loud, aggressive gulping*
"There was more water in there than I could fit in my mouth. ... I almost choked. ... ... I'm thirsty."

On a downtown stroll

"Oh!  I got drunk in that alley!"